Culling

The definition of Culling: (verb) 1. to choose; select; pick. 2. to gather the choice things or parts. 3. to collect; gather.

Culling is a word I don't think I ever really used until the last few months.  Now it is a daily thought, at the very least.  I am literally in a season of culling within my own self and my own life.  I was underwater (not in a literal sense) for a couple of years until about 4 months ago.  I was living, functioning and feeling but always on the verge of drowning in something.  It was like my fight or flight mechanism was stuck on high alert - all the time.  Fear was my constant companion and I had no sense of purpose.  It seems, looking back over the last couple of years, anytime I thought I had a grip on something that was going to pull me from the black water I was trapped under, I was actually pushed further down.  I sank, sank and sank until I hit bottom.  My bottom came in the form of a perfect storm of events that aligned to draw me to the point of knowing something had to change.  It literally was break the surface for air or die.  Thankfully, God, led me up and out of the dark for that first breath of air.  At first everything looked foreign and faded, then as my mind, heart and soul began to clear it was like wiping water out of my eyes and colors started to return.  Laughing found a place in my world again, sleep returned, and fear lessened.  I finally felt strong enough to walk again.  My heart finally wants to feel and dance again.

Culling enters this picture because it became apparent to me one day that I had to begin to 1. choose; select; pick what I wanted for MY life.  It was also very clear I had to have the strength and fortitude to 2. gather the choice things or parts that were supposed to be in my life. I had to figure out what things, and more difficult, what people I needed to continue to have in my life.  Sometimes people are in your life for a season and when that season passes  they pass out of your life.  I am trying to draw near to the people God has for me and my life (the choice things or parts!) and I have not allowed anything less to remain. It hasn't been easy, as we get stuck with people and relationships. Our hearts get stuck with people even long after they have left your life.  I have had to work on my heart and teaching it to cull as well.  This process has brought me to number  3. to collect; gather:  and this isn't as easy as it seems.  I want to collect and gather only what makes me into the woman God created me to be.  I want to gather friends and relationships that are the best and only draw me near to God.  I need to be in a season of culling so that I can hear what God is calling me to do/be and that I can focus on being the Mother that I have struggled  (and failed often) with being.  My children deserve nothing less than a whole Mother who can love them fully and I can say I only want God's best for my life.

This culling isn't all deep emotional excavating, it also is moving through my life on all levels, from my closet to the car and everything in between.  I am emptying my life of things that don't "move the needle."  I am paring down on all levels...it makes it easier to breath. This life culling is a slow process and includes things that may seem silly from the outside.  I am seeking something and it is a long path, but I am committed to this culling, as painful as it may be at times, so that the regrouping and refocusing can happen. It seems that only through this process will I find peace and acceptance of the season ahead.