Digging Deeper...Finding My Tribe and Navigating Disappointment as a Loner

If you've always been a loner, like me,  the relationships you do form can feel especially significant. When you open up and let someone into your world, there’s an expectation that the connection will be deep, authentic, and lasting. But what happens when those few people you’ve trusted turn out to be different than what you thought? Experiencing disappointment in relationships, especially as someone who values solitude, can be incredibly disheartening.

So, I have done a lot of research, praying, and trying to determine how to find my authentic tribe — people who genuinely understand and resonate with who I am.  These are steps I think we all have to go through to find those special souls to do life with and to feel safe around:

1. Acknowledge the Pain of Disappointment

When you’ve always been a loner, it’s easy to internalize the pain of disappointing relationships. I do that...I turn anger, disappointment, loneliness inward on myself and it has really challenged my ability to trust and open up with others. I always question, “What did I do?" regardless of whether I did anything or not. Opening up to someone feels like a risk, so when it doesn’t work out, it can hit particularly hard.  I am learning, ever so slowly, to  allow myself to grieve the loss of the connection, but also take heart in knowing that not every relationship is meant to last. Some people come into our lives to teach us lessons, even if they weren’t the deep, lasting connections we had hoped for.

2. Understand the Importance of Boundaries

Part of being a loner is naturally having clear boundaries with people, but when you start letting others in, those boundaries can become blurred. Disappointments often happen when someone crosses a line I didn’t know needed protecting, or when I ignored red flags because even as a loner I long for connection. I have learned healthy relationships thrive on mutual respect, and your authentic tribe will honor those boundaries without you needing to defend them.

3. Managing Expectations

One of the challenges of being a loner, who opens up to a select few. is the weight of expectation.   I am having to daily work on learning this one! I only invest heavily in a very few people, which means any misstep or disappointment can feel magnified. While it’s natural to want those close to you to be everything you imagined, it’s also important to remember that no one is perfect. That expectation is on me. Instead of seeking perfection in others, I am trying to focus on people who align with my values, support my growth, and respect my individuality.  I want to allow room for other's imperfections, just as I hope they’ll accept mine.

4. Revisit What "Authentic" Means 

I am having to determine what authentic looks like.  Is it someone who shares my passions and interests, or someone who understands and respects my need for solitude? Once I fully define what authenticity means, it will be easier to identify who fits that description and who does not.

5. Trusting MY Intuition

I am an intuitive person, or at least I used to be.  I tamped out my spirit of discernment to keep unhealthy relationships going for a long time. In this season I am having to make a conscious effort to trust my inner voice/intuition. Trusting your intuition is crucial in discovering authenticity and it is really hard if you’ve been burned in the past, it’s easy to second-guess yourself, but those instincts are valuable. I am really tuning into how people make me feel. Do I feel at ease and respected around them, or do I feel drained or misunderstood? When my gut tells me someone isn’t the right fit,  I am giving myself permission to step back, which is something I would have felt guilty about in the past.

6. Seek Smaller, Deeper Connections

For me, I have finally accepted that deep one-on-one relationships are often more fulfilling than larger social circles. Instead of trying to find a big group to join, I am focused on nurturing a few meaningful connections. Quality over quantity is a powerful mantra when it comes to finding my tribe.

7. Embrace Vulnerability

Part of finding an authentic tribe involves being vulnerable enough to show others who you truly are.  This is really hard for me.  It is scary, it feels uncomfortable, it is risky.  I am literally having to learn to be vulnerable. This doesn’t mean I overshare or open up all the time but it means making a choice to let people see the real me over time. 

Also, as a loner, I have developed a strong sense of independence, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, so I find it almost painful to share. It is about learning that it's about sharing pieces of yourself with the right people, those who will respect and reciprocate that trust. I am letting my tribe find me by showing up as my authentic self.

8. Let Go of the Past, But Keep the Lessons

I have some deep trust/abandonment issues and it is easy to carry the pain of past disappointments into future relationships, especially when those experiences have left me feeling guarded or mistrustful. But to find my  authentic tribe, I know I have to be open to new possibilities. Letting go of past hurt doesn’t mean forgetting the lessons learned; it means releasing the emotional weight so I can move forward.

Each disappointment taught me something about myself, my needs, and the kind of people I want in my life, and what kind of people I want to spend time with.  I am using these hard lessons as a guide, but trying to not let them close me off from future connections.